Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Stripiness


So this is what hope does: feeling tired and sick, trouble concentrating, most upset by an unexpected dose of virulent criticism, although rational judgement says it's not very justified and mostly the critic's 'stuff'.

Going home to another house last week, I saw a potential me, the same but different, happier. Sitting in the meditation hall on retreat, I saw a potential me who gave more of her heart to this practice, happier. Reading, writing, thinking, I saw lately what I would like to take my mind more deeply into, happier. A 'different me' is not quite it; more like just fewer boundaries, limitations. The merest intimations of such a thing make my soul curl up in fear, leave me weary, ill, unfocused. How tight is the grip of habit, the fear of letting go!

So drawn by this stripey building, I kept taking photos. It's not even a nice building, a gaudy, plastified warehouse across the canal. What I love is the way it's not just one thing, but alternating opposites. Its shimmering, stripey reflection draws me even more.

Wanting to embrace my own stripiness, but it's so hard: hard work holding the illusion of one solid, monochrome self, but harder still to let go and let your stripes shimmer.

8 comments:

marja-leena said...

Love this series of photos along the canal. I hope you attain and maintain that feeling of happiness you seek, Jean!

YourFireAnt said...

I love this whole post. Stripes and all.

FA

Lucy said...

How brave and inspiring.

I'm sorry you came in for someone else's crap, that's never easy, at best rattling, at worst just painful. Difficult not to flinch.

Rosie said...

I like your stripes jean!

Dale said...

Hugs. Dear Jean.

Sky said...

i think you are on the right track - the return is on the investment, for sure. but the risk is indeed scary. one step at a time...and when we find that we are surviving comfortably in our new behaviors we are willing to stay the course. eventually habits change. :) sending good wishes for much contentment.

Bill said...

I love your tipping building. Landing in that grassy bank by the river was a highpoint of my day. Thank you. Your judicious thought -- it's quite beautiful.

Happiness is blinding and refactory. Loiter in the dark columns of shade while you may!

litlove said...

I identify with this very closely. It seems I spend my whole time trying to move on and nothing feels quite so uncomfortable as the backlash that holds me in the old patterns. Hang on in there - the weight of time must go in our direction soon.