Monday, 9 June 2008

Disenthused


Ha, I’ve chucked in the Mindfulness course. Given my marked temperamental predisposition to chucking things in, I’ve worked hard at noticing the impulse and not precipitately acting on it, and when I do act on it, even after deep consideration, it’s an awful aaaaargh! feeling.

It was the right thing to do, though. This felt wretched. I’ve concluded it’s too big, this stuff that came up after meditating on the body every day, this being with the ache that arises in the body and leads to the heart-ache, the soul-ache; if I’m going to do it, if I’m ready to do it, it won’t be in this very secular, very mixed setting which somehow wasn't - for me, right now - enough.

And now what? I have no idea. In my notebook I find words that I’ve no memory of copying down:

What exactly is the me that hurts right now? Is it something real, or just an image, that got ‘damaged’ ? …it’s amazing to discover that a hurt image can make the entire body mind ache physically.
Toni Packer

The comfort in remembering it’s all a mystery.

10 comments:

marja-leena said...

{Jean} I think you are very brave and honest and need not to feel disappointed with yourself.

Stray said...

{Jean} too.

Sounds to me like you were really doing it! Connecting on that level is a huge ask, even in a completely supported setting. Your survival as a human being is built partially on being able to just go 'La la la' about nine tenths of what life means.

Probably much better to do it in such unbridled fashion and then chuck it in than to twitter along pretending to do it for the duration. (Is that what some people do with their whole lives?)

You'd be ever so welcome to retreat up here any time by the way. xx

Dale said...

Oh, good decision, I think, Jean. This just wasn't working for you.

rr said...

[[[Jean]]]

One of the most useful things a friend has taught me is that being a grown-up means being able to say no to things.

And what Stray said.

Zhoen said...

You listened to yourself, that sounds plenty mindful.

There are many ways, could be yoga or kendo or knitting or singing or building a boat. Done wholeheartedly, compassionately, the form is less important than the fit.

litlove said...

I'm sure you'll find exactly the right way. These things often work out just as they must and you should be really gentle with yourself right now. Saying no to things is really important and often hard to do.

Reading the Signs said...

I have very much appreciated reading your eloquent and honest account of this journey.

Lucy said...

'The comfort in remembering it’s all a mystery.'

Absolutely. Well done, Jean, for both sticking it and chucking it when you did.

MB said...

When something isn't working well, it's wise to pay attention to that (paying attention, of course, being what the exercise was about), to listen to yourself, to care for yourself in the ways you need.

leslee said...

Life is short. Why spend too much of it on something that makes you unhappy or doesn't feel right.