Tuesday, 18 December 2007

Not writing about myself

For I see that I haven’t been, directly – although the things I read and see and photograph and respond to are, of course, about me.

Why not? I think because I am surprised and confused by my own state of mind and spirit.

All of a sudden, I stopped looking forward, stopped dwelling on some better life I hoped perhaps to have at some time in the future. Something very bad happening to a friend made me realise, in a way that all the theoretical belief and all the philosophising in the world could not, that there is only the present – and there I was, catapaulted into it; and there I have stayed.

How it is being in the present is hard to say. It’s different. Harsher. But less overwhelming, because nothing lasts very long.

The present is not a place I’ve ever spent much time in, living always much more in my head, my hopes and my imagination.

It is so different that - odd as this is - I truly cannot say if I find it closer to despair or closer to contentment.

And I’ve no idea if this will last.

10 comments:

Udge said...

What an unusual and very interesting place to be. "Less overwhelming" is surely a good thing.

Tall Girl said...

how lovely

zhoen said...

It is eternal.

leslee said...

Trying to be in the present more myself, inspired by the Mindful Way Through Depression book (not practicing much, alas, but processing). It is less work, I think. But one's identity - so caught up in what we want to be, and our thought about ourself. Who are we without those?

Jean said...

Leslee, yes, I think you pinpoint something very important. But I guess we remain very much ourselves, and the sum of our past and our hopes, without having to consciously THINK about the past and the future all the time?

tamarika said...

Jean, I think that is what I have been calling "becoming an adult" these past months. I am experiencing a similar *type* of feeling, because I cannot possibly know what you are feeling ... and it is clearly different to anything I have ever known. Even if mine does not last, I will be back to it again and again. In the end - I prefer it to how I used to be ...

MB said...

(o)

Planethalder said...

This post really resonated with me Jean. I was quite ill a few years ago with cancer and at one, very long, point I was not sure I would make it. Nothing like a crisis such as that one to catapault one into the here and now. Now fully recovered, present-moment living is where I've been ever since and it's why I look upon that time as a blessing.

Lucy said...

Despair - without hope. Not easy, fear inducing,it is hope renewing itself which seems to give our lives purpose, meaning. But perhaps if one could manage without... and perhaps the energy required to hold together false hopes could be better saved?
I don't know, I've never found detachment easy. But I wish you well, with all my heart.

Anonymous said...

You used to be so sad. Now you are so happy! Happy is better.